Too Much Luton

-Nick Flippers


Today was not my day—to say the least. I lost all the parlays I made; I lost most of my straight bets, and I just got absolutely pounded in fantasy football. But what game hurt me the most, you’d like to know?


Jake fucking Luton.


Now, the dude didn’t even win. Granted, he was close and for his first start, the dude put on a clinic. We’ll post the stat with this article but Jake Luton is the first player since at least 1950 300+ passing yards, 25+ completions and a rushing TD.


However incredible this is, I do feel that nowadays there is a stat for everything. I always will see (mostly from the company I blog for) random stats that are very specific—like if you get that specific you could find a stat for every play ever. Nonetheless, Jake Luton found a way to fuck me.


I took the Texans (-7) assuming that if your team is going against a dude who’s never played ball in the Big Leagues, you’ll probably show the dude how rough it is sometimes to be an NFL quarterback.


This was not the case.


The Texans were covering at the 2:00min mark, until Jake “The Glutton” Luton wanted to eat and ran in TD himself. When that happens I completely lost it; the score lost me a fat parlay and I was a bit eccentric when I took to Twitter and got myself a quick ban.

To be as candid as possible, I threatened the entire Texans organization with bodily harm. Obviously, 5’9 me is not doing shit—I’m sure as hell not driving across the country to pull up at the Texans Facility, but Big Tech did not appreciate the comment and slapped me with a 12 hour ban.


In retrospect, the ban will probably do me good—I’ve been heated recently with all these losses. My point may have been lost in all this mess so let me just say it again:


Jake “Gluten Free” Luton is a fucking dawg.